a morning at city java

ok! i started my day off with an intense workout at GetFit around six am and headed straight to my favorite coffee shop, city java. it was here that i reflected on everything that has been going on and I got some writing down for my mentor.  My mentor wanted me to write about my fears and goals in my life.  I had all these thoughts in my head but writing it down this morning really put things in prospective for me.  One of my fears was that I will never be loved like before....In my last post, I wrote about not being able to stop crying about him.  When I wrote about one of deepest fears of never being loved like that before, I realized that it is not a fear for me anymore because I don't want to be loved like that again.

Love is unconditional

Before obviously I did not have that from him, will i stop wasting my tears on him.  IN TIME...it will happen and I move on.  Every day has been a new day and I am focused now on the good work that Lord is perfecting within me. 

Life goes on...

UPDATE: the ATL trip was lovely.  I got an inspiration from it. By the way I saw Black Nativity in ATL, you should go see it. http://www.truecolorstheatre.org/.. Kenny Leon's Theatre Company. 

Traveling

Yesterday, I watched "Dear John"....Yes Ladies! I set myself up. It got me thinking of my first love. I was balling my eyes and I could not stop crying. It was awful.

Then I started crying because I was upset that I was crying.

I thought that I was over this guy. I guess not. I was not over him. My mentor from church asked this week to write down my biggest fears. One of them was that I will never be able to love so deeply again.  I should not be fear this....but I am. 

I loved hard during those eight years of relationship. I did....well! right now I am at a field trip in ATL...gots go...will finish later.

THOSE KIDS?

THOSE KIDS?

This morning I came across a woman.  This woman is Caucasian, elder, and nice.  I am being political correct because it is needed.  She saw my outfit and asked me: Are you going to work?”  I replied “No” I am going to the library for my studies and my work is at night.  I teach dance at a recreation center.

She paused and said: “Oh! Those kids, they need that.  We began to talk about things.  It was only during my walk to the library that I wondered what she meant by “those” kids.

My MufukaWorks Dance Education Program is open to everyone without discrimination.  I teach all ages even up to 101 years old.  Regardless of their race, appearance, money, I was raised to look at just the person alone. 

As I wondered: What did she mean by those kids? Her PAUSE actually answered for me.  The recreation center that I teach at happens to be one of the nicest facilities in the Beaufort County.  Inside they are a mixture of all walks of life.  There is no THOSE kids, it is only “One Blood.”  It is possible all she knew was the unsettle reputation of the surrounding area not the center.  However it was obvious she was not aware.   I know that some of you may think that I am judging this nice lady but let it be known that dance is life.  It is my life to deal with bodies every day.  I read body language like sign language.   Her pause came with a whole body language in itself.    Her eyes got smaller and she showed sympathy towards me by her up and down nodding. 

My mother told me:  “You cannot change the world.”  I know this but I can try living the way I connect to the world.  I am a people person and I truly see, “ONE BLOOD.”  Just maybe people could jump on the bandwagon with me; they too could look at the person alone and see those kids as kids. 

 

he reminds me every day....

He reminds me every day why i do what i do....i am a dance teacher with comes with choreographer, grad student, mentor.  BUT if i was to define myself through my job, I am a teacher. i love it.

between all my different dance teaching jobs through my company....even i go through struggles financially, just figuring out where I'm going to get money for gas. even if i do go through struggles personally, i wonder when will i get rest. even creatively, i wonder what will be next piece.

then...once i began to worry. he gives me something to remind me...today's reminder was in a child's eyes...her progress has just gone up since i was working with her. that is the greatest feeling for me to witness a student's growth.

at the moment, one of my dance contracts is with an non-profit organization, AWOL in Savannah, ga (seriously this organization has their stuff together). i am one of their choreographers for their production. its one of the most amazing experiences that i have been apart of...i am just now coming back from them. Savannah is a over than an hour drive from my home.

but it is worth it, just to see the students growing using this vehicle of the arts...its worth everything.

he reminds me every day why i do what i do everything....this was just one example

sleep

At the moment, I am sitting in the library. Finding difficult in writing my reflection paper for grad school, the reflection paper is really for us to reflect on the weekend. However the reality is its still a paper my professors will read it and it will reflect back on me of my writing skills

SO that is why its hard to start the paper, it does not get easier.  On the flip side, I have been rehearsing the dancers intense. Not only my company members but the dancers for A Christmas Wish Gullah Kinfolk...on top of that I am gyming at GetFit in Lady's Island, SC. My body is screaming....GO SLEEP....TAKE A BREAK....

It is screaming and I have not listened. All in all I when I sat down to write that paper. I was falling asleep. My spirit is still up just tried

MY COMPANY PERFORMS AT THIS PRODUCATION

anixety

Anixety! I did not have this word in my vocabulary until this morning.  I had it in my vocabulary this morning because last night I could not sleep . Literally I laid my head down for three hours and I woke up just crying thinking of the past and the future.  i had so much stuff inside me that I finally let it out. 

Over and over...I went through my head of wondering whatever happen to that person maybe i should stayed in that counttry. Why did i go to that school?

Maybe i will not be in the situation that i am in now. You wonder, what situation?

The situation of having anixety in my vocabulary.  As i turned on my Christian radio station (88.7), a pastor was talking about anixety and preaching on it not being Godly.

Immediately I was like that was exactly what I had last night. Anixety!

HIS RIGHT! It is not Godly

For a moment, I forgot where God had brought me out of to get me to this not so bad point.  I forgot about having moment of realization: I had to go through that to be able to understand deeper about some things.  So when I was closer to where I want to be. I will remain strong in his word and not crumble.  I forgot for a moment that he promised me never to leave me.  I forgot about his unpedictable love.  I forgot for moment that my purpose is to serve him and most of all be the image of his son, Jesus Christ.

The whole reason why he brought him here to show us; how to live...

How could I forget so easily? When I was there in a unknown country.  It was him who protected me.  How could I forget so easily when he blessed me with my own company? As soon as it got harder, I broke down into a word, anixety. 

This morning during that sermon. I had a name for not sleeping last night. After that sermon, I realize that I need to repent on not trusting my Lord. 

Anixety was in my vocabulary this morning and is out of my vocabulary now.