For the past years, I have gone through some hard times. It seems that I am always struggling finding inner peace. Nevertheless, I never really got to the core why I struggle with finding inner peace.
Well this time, I really looked at myself from the outside and asked myself seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON ELSIE?
Here is my self evaluation:
1) I complain way too much. Yes! I have hard times but I am still living and standing.
2) I believe that I deserve better. I have worked hard all my life. I am not in the place that I want to be. I actually learned from my job as a guest service agent about selfless service-doing something for people and not expecting anything. This is a valuable lesson that I shall instill in my personal life. Yes! I work hard but my day will come.
3) I have strong beliefs but willing to put a curve ball in my beliefs for others happiness. This compromises my happiness.
Today, I went to church. I was late but I was there. I sat in the overflow room. The pastor preached on count it all JOY when you fail. I have failed in finding my inner peace. I have been having, cake and eating it to. I recognize the tearing up of my life. At 25 years old, I am still learning. I know now to surround myself with people whom can hold me accountable for my actions. I will go to church more and do more reflecting.
I love the Lord and excited to tell people about him. At this moment in life, I am getting strengthen by him so I can strengthen others.
My changes:
1) STOP COMPLAINING
2) STANDING FIRM IN MY BELIEFS
3) ENJOYING LIFE
I work at a hotel and it is the perfect time to reflect. As the guest come through, they all tell me their stories and how their day was today. As they tell me their stories, I begin to reflect on my life. Originally, I came working for the hotel just to get money but it really has changed my life. I listen to people, hear all their problems, serve the best customer service, and of course I get some bad seeds sometimes. However, people are people so you can not please everyone but I always seem to turn it around some way. So, today in my life I reflect.
I think about the people in my life. Some people in my life really drain alot out of me but I always had people like that in my life. I made a decision to say "NO." I thought by saying no will hurt feelings but saying no actually makes them stronger.
TODAY IN MY LIFE.
I understood more that God gots this and I do not need to try to do his work. I had a long day today. My family is very upset with my decisions. I understand why they are mad and they put me into thinking about the decisions that I made. I hope that they will understand. In order for me to grow, I have to start making decisions and they can not just yell at me. They just need to tell their perspective. Well, I heard their perspective and I actually agree with them.
TODAY IN MY LIFE
I realize that I am an adult now. Having fun can wait for now, I have responsibilities.
TODAY IN MY LIFE
I enjoyed the small moments of going to the Harvey B. Gantt Museum and just enjoying recapping on history.
TODAY IN MY LIFE
I realize in order for me to have peace with anyone. I must have peace within myself.
TODAY IN MY LIFE
I realize that I do have power within me to really succeed.
Most of you know that I am always on facebook or blogging, I know your also wondering where I have been? Well, I have been living life and rushed it so so much. I have asked for a time out to just be with God and talk.
Once again, I rushed life and put myself in a situation that I'm unable to justify anymore. All of this was just a harsh reality to me but not a surprise. So, I start from the beginning. I moved away from my hometown to chase a better life. I am in graduate school. I work. I dance sometimes. I have a lovely person in my life.
Every since I moved to this place chasing a better life, I have been running since I got here. Back in forward so fast, I forgot the originally purpose that I moved here. You see I have really spend the past three years on my personal growth. Seeing if everything I do is lined up to God's glory.
I SAID TIME OUT TODAY
I really had got far far far away from my beliefs. You see I have been chasing a better life so fast. I forgot to stop and breath to enjoy each moment and really ask myself: Am I ok with this life?
I SAID TIME OUT TODAY
I give it to you Lord. I know that I have not been living to glorify you. I have not put you in the center of my life. I repent lord for all my mistakes made by leading with my flesh. In my head I justify everything knowing that I was just not living right. I have many people whom look to me asking about you. I know your real in my heart however I let my flesh take over. I know now that you have a plan for me. I should not try to plan it for you.
TIME OUT
I answer to only you.
The love of my life said the other day "my baby is so nice that it may be confused that she is naive but she is not at all." That is right. I do stand on my own two feet and see all these things happen before it happens. However, it is inside of me to trust people first before they break my trust. I live by this and it has not serve me well at all.
I DO GET UPSET WHEN MY TRUST IS BROKING
Today my trust was broking and to someone that I never expected. I trusted them my whole life.
I LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY
I learned that people are human. My philosophy is not bad at all even if it has not brought me good results at times. My philosophy is to trust people first but like my father always says "trust but verify."
I have seen alot of things lately. People surprise me daily good and bad. I am still trusting and it has brought me wonderful things in life as well.
ON TRUSTING PEOPLE
People are still human so that means their sinners. I trust and verify now. I trust with my whole heart and pray for the best. I do not want to hold grudges because someone broke my trust. I want to live on and keep it moving.
Lord knows my mistakes and I had lots of second chances. So yes! my trust has been broken with many people but I decide to keep it moving and bring forgiveness in my heart.
QUESTION: HAS YOUR TRUST BEEN BROKING AND HAVE YOU HELD ON TO THAT PAIN TOO LONG?
Yesterday, it was a bad day but today even worse. I was driving to the career center so I could start getting a job related to my career goals. It surprises me that I never had assistance before. The world has really put my age group (21-25 years) out in the cold air expecting us to pay all these loans, bills, and more.
IT SUCKS
However, my faith is stronger. Instead of sitting around crying about it, I decided to say "no" and see what I am satisfied about. I am not happy with the position I am in life. I have two Bachelor of Arts Degrees and I am working on my Masters. I am at a job and I do love my job but I know there is something more for me. I will like to utilize my education and skills more. That's all whether it is at my current job or somewhere else and it pays properly for the work that I do.
I WAS IN HIGHER ED SCHOOL FOR FOUR YEARS
They say that undergraduate is like getting a high school diploma now. Well I got the two undergraduate degrees and it has served me well. It got me a job in South Africa but I missed home so much in the states and I came back home. It has been harder for me here to go for the American dream. I am hopefully now working on my graduate degree and the job that I am in now is customer service. The people that I come across daily at work has really kept me hopefully for something more.
THESE POSITIVE THOUGHTS HAS KEPT ME FAITHFUL DURING MY ANXIETY ATTACK.
Today I was driving and it hit me. All my emotions. I just got overwhelmed. I was just tried. I have been working hard. living honestly. and just busting my self to death trying to get to a better life. My heart was in my throat at this point when all these thoughts were running pass my head and I just busted out crying. I really could not go through my day.
BUT I DID
I sat in my car and I prayed. I told the Lord to remind me of my current blessings. Slowly I stopped crying and began to focus on my present. The reason why I was in my car because I was driving to my new apartment to sign a lease. This is one of my blessings. If I could afford a new apartment, I am not bad off. I started to see that I know love and get love in return from my family, boyfriend, and strangers. That is a blessing.
THROUGH FAITH, I OVER CAME MY ANXIETY AND LIFE KEEPS ON MOVING ON FOR ME.
QUESTION: WHAT ARE YOUR BLESSINGS IN LIFE?
I am in a transition in my life. Ok! I know that I am always in a transition but this time is different. I had left my hometown searching for something more and really be an example to my peers and the youth. The way that I did this. I moved to an unfamiliar place.
The move has been a wonderful journey. I am in graduate school. I have a job. I am a freelance dancer that already has performed in Blumenthal's Spirit Square Theatre. I just recently got a new apartment that fits me better. I move this week.
THINGS ARE HAPPEN...
Honestly, I want more. Before I left my hometown, I fell in love with this wonderful guy. I miss daily. Ok! I miss him every second of my existence. Honestly, I had some good relationships but this one relationship has really tested me to open my heart. Open my heart WIDE open.
QUESTIONS HAVE SURFACED
My question to myself. Am I really happy at the point that I am in life? My answer is that I am satisfied. But I want more. I want to have a better relationship with the lord. I want to dance more. I want my company to have a building that we could call home. I want to spend more time with the love of my life. I want to see my family more. I want to read more about everything in the world. I want to be able to go to more outings. I want to love harder.
I WANT. I WANT. I WANT.
My love will say than get busy. I can have all of these things right now. So what is blocking me to having things to a better life. I am blocking me. Oh! yes we are still at this point readers but I am acknowledging it. I am taking one step at a time. I am still growing. Will you grow with me.
QUESTION TO READERS
What is stopping you from your deepest desires?
