I say: "I do"

I remember when it was a not so cold night.  However, it was  December so late around 2am and just turned into the next day.  Tears were rolling down his face.  He collapsed onto my legs on one knee.  I remember thinking: is this it?  The moment girls dream about their entire life and its happening to me.  I must admit that I never dreamed of this moment of  engagement but it happen to me. A man asked me to spend their entire life with me.  I said: "I do"

I meant it with my entire heart.  For the longest time, my greatest "I do" moment that I dreamed about was my dance career.  I always dreamed about dancing on a big stage and the whole world watching me dance expressing my true self. However, this moment, I lost myself in his eyes and I wanted him.  I told myself the rest of my life that I follow alongside with him.  I said: "I do"

Just like the wind blows into another season, my life did the same.  In one moment, the date May 27, 2012.  My life blew into another season.  In one moment, I felt half of me just ripped out.  Yes, my relationship felt that connected and his soul was ripped out of me.  As soon as it happened, I was questioned from others about my love for him. I was expected to let him go in a instance.  But, they do not understand. I said: "I do"

The reason why his soul was ripped out of me because he had his past catch up to him.  You see he had a kept secret so deep from me and others.  His secret was revealed in full affect.  His secret that kept him from me. It kept him away for me for good this time. I final found out the THING that held over his head and it was his secret.  Even if his secret has kept him away for me. I am happy that he finally is facing his responsibility in the rarest form. I said: "I do"

In the meantime, I go through many emotions of confusion, hurt, fear, doubt, happiness, and just pure left in darkness.  So, you want to know how it feels for your other half to be ripped out of you unexpectedly? It sucks but there's God.  So, do not feel sorry for me, hoping you could fix it.  Let me go through the life experiences.    

God has lifted me up like always. He has forced me to look at my reflection and ask myself what I really want.  In honesty, I just want peace so I could move forward. I realize that I could not be any one's happiness especially someone who holds secrets.  So, I may not ever get the answers of why the love of my life did what he did. i am not angry.  I love him so much not to be. However, I do know one thing. I said: "I do"

I say: "I do" to my lord and savior to guide me through this difficult time because I know his trying to show me something better. It hurt me what I went through with my love.  Guess what?  I am still standing and I am living still to the fullest.  One thing, I have learned that life moves forward.  I am able to do that with God.  God has shown me time and time again his healing so I am listening.  I do not know where I am going in life but I do know this.  His showing me how to get to my peace."

I say: "I do" 

i can not care about judgment

I never thought that I cared about judgment from others. However, I have been going through so much in my personal life and everyone has their judgment. I really appreciate their judgment because these people really care about me.  I am so blessed to have them in my life especially the man that brought me into this world.  If I had to choose, I will only listen to his judgment but he does not judge. He gives me guidance.  At this moment in my life, I need to his sound voice and he gives me that.  As for the others that judge, I do not care because I have to pray and follow the direction God has in store for me.

I have gone through a world of issues and I am learning how to be more private with God about them.  All in all, I am looking for his way.  It’s the only way, I can have my happiness.

i do not care about judgement from others

I never thought that I cared about judgment from others. However, I have been going through so much in my personal life and everyone has their judgment. I really appreciate their judgment because these people really care about me.  I am so blessed to have them in my life especially the man that brought me into this world.  If I had to choose, I will only listen to his judgment but he does not judge. He gives me guidance.  At this moment in my life, I need to his sound voice and he gives me that.  As for the others that judge, I do not care because I have to pray and follow the direction God has in store for me.

I have gone through a world of issues and I am learning how to be more private with God about them.  All in all, I am looking for his way.  It’s the only way, I can have my happiness.

A NOVEL GOOD HAIR

I am starting to read again and I am ever so happy.  The last book that I completed was entitled, A Novel Good Hair by Benilde Little. It was an exact parallel of what a black woman goes through today.  I learned from this book from the narrator's Aunt Thelma "life is never presented in a nice, neat package, and if it is, be wary." 

Now, the term "Good Hair" means a lot in the Black community especially being a natural black woman.  Many of my peers whom are in my black community, they will question this term and ask according to whom on Good Hair.  The book addresses this in a very unique way.  This is a must read. 

So, I learned a lot from this book and the main lesson resonates with me now.  My life is not a nice package.  I have been going through a lot of ups and downs this year.  I am 26 years old, full time job, graduate school, and running my small business. In the mix of this, the Lord found time to place the love of my life in my life right now.  Now, I am engaged. 

I could not be more than happy.  However, I am engaged and its more than love. This is what I have learned, it takes communication and I am learning how.  It takes compromise and I am learning how.  It takes your full being. 

In the mix of all that, I know that I could not live without him.  So, I am making these changes in my life and just like he accepts all of me. I accept him.  Life moves on. 

My life moves on when I did not know how to pay rent the next month.  However, It ended up happening.  My life moves on when I moved to a new city with no money. My life moves on when I had to start my company from bottom up again.  My life moves on when I had to read all night because my homework was due the next day. It looks like Aunt Thelma knew what she was talking about.  Life is not a nice package.  It is about how are you going to move through all the obstacles in life. 

Your friend in life...

I danced today

Today I started dancing again. I have not taking a dance class, taught dance, or performed since September.  Well I started taking dance classes again.  I always keep dancing in my head and heart because it never leaves.  I must say that I was black sliding in my dancing. I know that to keep present in dance. You must dance.  Today class was ok but I wanted more.  I wanted more creativity and I wanted more depth. I wanted more of me.  Those were the thoughts that ran through my head. As the teacher was teaching, the teacher was saying, "dance for something"

Instantly, the thought had come to my head. No matter what the dance teacher, space, or situation, I still have control to be present in me and be more creativity and depth.  Suddenly, I was dancing like me in the dance class given.  Today was a start in walking back in my destiny.

TIME

We wait on time to go pass like a thick mist.  A thick mist that seep through the both of us.  As we wait on time, we think about what was between us needs to rekindle.  Out of respect for each other's then LOVE, we remain civil between each other.  We still wait on TIME, the time that we rushed.  The rushed TIME that got us to this point creating a thick mist between us.

I cry away from you so the tears can run slowly down my face.  I hate the thick mist between us because I want to give you the world.  However, I can not so I hold resentment towards you because your best was not enough. 

We wait on time because we know that we have to split.  We split to preserve the LOVE, the Love is still there and must be preserved. 

So we wait on time to split us beacause the courage is not there so we could still be together in the future.  I look at you frequently wondering...do you hold resentment towards me too; do you still love me deeply like I love you; do you know that I love you.

"TIME SEEPS THROUGH LIKE A SERPENT. WILL YOU ALLOW IT TO BITE YOU OR WILL YOU CAPTURE IT."

COUNT IT ALL JOY WHEN YOU FAIL

For the past years, I have gone through some hard times.  It seems that I am always struggling finding inner peace.  Nevertheless, I never really got to the core why I struggle with finding inner peace. 

Well this time, I really looked at myself from the outside and asked myself seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON ELSIE?

Here is my self evaluation:

1) I complain way too much.  Yes! I have hard times but I am still living and standing.

2) I believe that I deserve better. I have worked hard all my life.  I am not in the place that I want to be.  I actually learned from my job as a guest service agent about selfless service-doing something for people and not expecting anything.  This is a valuable lesson that I shall instill in my personal life.  Yes! I work hard but my day will come.

3) I have strong beliefs but willing to put a curve ball in my  beliefs for others happiness.  This compromises my happiness.

Today, I went to church.  I was late but I was there.  I sat in the overflow room.  The pastor preached on count it all JOY when you fail.  I have failed in finding my inner peace.  I have been having, cake and eating it to. I recognize the tearing up of my life.  At 25 years old, I am still learning.  I know now to surround myself with people whom can hold me accountable for my actions.  I will go to church more and do more reflecting.

I love the Lord and excited to tell people about him.  At this moment in life, I am getting strengthen by him so I can strengthen others.

My changes:
1) STOP COMPLAINING
2) STANDING FIRM IN MY BELIEFS
3) ENJOYING LIFE