do i really need to prove anything?

An interesting start to my day, i could not sleep last night so i went to Denny's (wi-fi) YES! I sat there and ate breakfast and did alot of work. I felt productive with my life and I got ready to go to Ballet Class. I had an interesting conversation with my ballet teacher. Yes! even as dance teacher myself, i still need class. As I took my class today, I did wonder: does that nervious feeling ever go away. I am a little stable in my dance career at this point. BUT I still get nervious when I take class. Checking my alignment and all. The same things, I teach to my kids in class. Yes! for those hours during the week. The kids become my kids just for those split moments.

My mission is not to make them into professional dancers (if that is there journey, my classes will take them there) but my main purpose is molding their character for life. With the displine of dance, they learn through structure and their character becomes stronger. Today I get ready to teach at this workshop outside my town, I am the choreographer for this big production. Do I get nervious when I choreography?

Not really, it is different nerves that run through me. It is nerves of the kids after I am done. I wonder if they got my spirit of teaching. I wonder if they know that they are powerful beyond measure. That they hold the power to be GREAT really GREAT.

I accomplished alot this week. The company records stuff is almost complete and as for my grad school stuff. Right on schedule. Personal life....working on it.

As I seat in this coffee shop, I reflect on everything. In a year being back home in the states. Do I really need to prove anything to people? Really do I work hard for people? No! I trust my creator and the people will witness his work within me.

Choices

In reflection of this year, I realized that I am turning 25 years old next year. Today that is all I could focus on 25 years old is a milestone and I obsessed over it. Then I got over it and I went back to reflecting on this year. This year was some year. As November 2010 approaches, I realized it will mark my one year of being back in the states. So what have I done since being home.

Started my own company and grad school. Even if these things are important to me. My biggest reflection of the year, it has been my personally growth.

I still struggle but I deal with situations better. I try to breath more. I don't know just keep reading...I got to get ready for my teaching gig.

What do I represent?

I represent the American Dream.In the late 70s  my father came to the states for college. He later married my mother from his home country, Zimbabwe, and brought her to the states. My little brother and I were born and it was evident from the start. We were their American Dream. My parents had given us everything to succeed but ultimately it was our life.

I spent some time back in the Continent of Africa. South Africa to be exact and I reflected back on the place where my blood running through my veins had come from.  I reflected back there for two years.  It was enlightening that I was finally on my own. It was not easy and I will do it again because it helped shaped the person that I am today.

Now I am back in the country that I was born in. AMERICA....I do see America differently. I really do see what the fuss is all about now. "If you put the work in, you really can do anything here."

My choice is to be a company owner just like my father. Being a company owner, it requires 24 hours of work. My 7 hours after that go to graduate school. 

Yes! I am in graduate school and both endeavours are hard on me.

This is why I stayed home after church today. I put on some Jazz music and lit some candles. I went to sleep then I woke up to organize some things in the house. I also turned off my phone.-this rarely happens.

Now I reflecting on the whole day. I feel ready for the week to come. Now wonder why God made the seventh day for resting. He really makes sense. I believe his smart.

I represent the American Dream. It is pressure to make something out of myself because I was given the tools from my parents. I know they what me to be happy so the pressure does begin to lessen when I put it into that perspective. Now I begin to climb my ladder to the American Dream....I represent the American Dream for my parents and now I will represent the American Dream for myself and my kids to come.

"The purpose of having kids will be for them to surpass you one day." - my Daddy

NOT AFRAID

About a year ago in September, I went down to my knees and I cried. I could not do it anymore. I ASKED YOU TO TAKE OVER. I cried. I cried. I cried. I ASKED YOU TO TAKE OVER. For the longest time, I did it on my own. I had no idea how I did it on my own. I ASKED YOU TO TAKE OVER.

I saw you take over other people's lives and I saw how you helped them. So I watched them on how they lived. I watched them and I followed their example.

I ASKED YOU TO TAKE OVER.

I went down to my knees and I cried. I could not do it anymore. At this moment, I feel like that again. That same low feeling when I went to my knees. I cried. I could not do it anymore.

I saw you take over other people's lives and I saw how you helped them. I watched them and I followed their example.

I did what I saw. The whole routine of going to worship, study sessions, and even the socials.

It got me to really change and things in my life were changing for the best. You were helping me. It did take you a long time but you did help me.

BUT I came back into little sins. The same sins that brought me to my knees. It was just a little sin here and there. It is not that bad. BUT then I realize, I did not watch closely on the other people that you helped.

LIKE what did they do behind close doors. They probably prayed and cried more asking you to help more. When they come out into the world, they were Good because you were inside them.  I missed that part. I was working for your LOVE and not allowing you to just LOVE. I was working for rewards and not allowing you to just LOVE me. and now! I see that you want that LOVE back to.

So I am slowly coming out of my own energy, I pray for you to  release those little sins from me. NO BIG SINS because anything not obedient to your word is BIG.

I am heading to bed now. My reflection of the day:
1) my dance classes that i teach went well. My Afro Russe Robics Class is getting more dancers. I love teaching non dancers of the  fabulous and grown age range for Afro Russe Robics. BECAUSE I feel so good inside especially when their bodies begin to change for the better. The students being older gives me the opportunity to learn so much from their life stories.

-I got some library time in. I even order two books Bird by Bird and A whole new mind
- I talked to an interesting person today in the library and he reminded me that their our other people out there wondering about you.

3) Yoga at dancing dogs yoga was good. My intention was for stretching exercise and I definitely fulfilled it.

4) The invoices went out today. I am learning how to be more business professional.
5) I cooked and a warm bath in epsom salt.

on the surface sounds great huh

What to work on tomorrow?
- I pray for you to give me encouragement for Grad School assignments. You blessed me for a reason and I need to remember to put in the work because I do belong there.

-Ill repent today

As I listen to Eminem's Not Afraid....I remember what I read from you long ago...Fear is not option. Ok! I paraphrased it.

I ask you to take over completely.