THE TIME IS NEAR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqOqo50LS

As I look back on how time heals, I reflect back on how much that I have grown.  He has been gone for every it seems and I still think about him.  But, I never loosed myself.  I became a stronger version of me.  I learned how to lean on God even more.  I was reminded about a story in the Bible that tells about the birth of Issiah.  He was born on human action.  For his mother told his father, have sex with the maid and he he came out.  Issiah was a hassle to raise.  Fourteen years later Issac came, God was going to bless them anyways with a child but they lost patience.  Through this process, I have learned that I am loved by many.  I have learned not to act by fear when making decisions.  I have learned to be patient taking one day at a time.  Many people, they say that everything happened to him and i because we are not for each other.  However, I could not erase the fact that direct feeling when I meant him.  I knew than and I know now to take my time allowing to manifest on God's timing.  Until then, I pray for my love ones to trust my relationship with God and allow me to take time in my decision.  The time is near.

What I am reading?

In a lounge "Red", I came across this book called "A love of her own" by Cheris F. Hodges.  Red is located in Noda Charlotte, NC. I am so happy to come across  this book. It is really hard for me to put it down.  It is a romance novel but it really is about allowing yourself to really live your life not the life everyone wants you to live.  Now, I am only half way through the book. It may have a twist at the end but it is what I am getting out of it thus far. 

 

This weekend, I have been off and the weekend is over. It went by so fast but I still felt productive in a way.  What I did? wrote in my journal, slept alot, watch plenty of TV, read, and church.  The perfect weekend.  I did look back and this weekend last year. I actually was with a whole different family and the family that raised me.  I never thought about it until now.  I do wonder: how my family felt?  Not to have me for Christmas, I assume that they understood.  You know that we should never assume.  They probably just dealt with it. 

Looking back, I became a woman this year. I really came in my own.  It is funny because at 14 years old. I thought that I was woman then. However, I really became a woman on this age of 26 years old. I really did not know anything at 14 years old and I still have a long ways to go.   My mother's birthday is today.  She is my inspiration because I only pray to be half the woman of her.  She is amazing in her own light.  She has rising above so many struggles and she still stands strong with grace.  I am my mother's daughter. One day, I want us to stand as woman and just acknowledge each other.  Just tell each other, you doing good woman.  Happy Birthday mother and may more wisdom come your way.Wow! I am excited to see what this new year will bring. One thing, I know for sure that I will stand for righteous.

It is not that heavy

Dear Readers,

Today, I put myself in full exposure. For months, I have held something truly heavy in my heart. The core of my hurt that I do not want to dishonor the people whom birth me.  When you are birthed, you are made up of all their entailed.  They gave you life and made you whom you are.  Then, you grow up and you hold all that in you.  It becomes your duty to never dishonor that because it is whom you are. 

For the past months, I had a great wind in my life that interrupted all of that so I thought.  But, it is because of my upbringing, I know that I am stronger. I know that my choices must be in God's eyes. I learned that from watching it during my upbringing. I learned not even knowing it because they never said it out loud. They just lived the testimony of what its like to walk truly in God's light.  I had a great wind in my life not to interrupt but made me give it all to the Lord because the first time in my life. I have to make a real choice. 

So, I am faced with the biggest decision in my life.  It is not that heavy but whatever the choice. I know that its a choice that I have to live with my entire life.  So, I want to thank my birthing of giving me sound advice to really think of what am I doing. I truly listen.Without them, I will not even think of the realm of what I deserve.  I hate to tell them to wait on my decision because it hurts them dearly.  In my own process, I have to do this.  So, I let everything go so I could pray and ask God. What do you want me to do? I do not want it heavy on my heart anymore. I know it is not suppose to be heavy when you trust God.  

I am praying about it every day and all I need is time to wait for the answer. I am now walking in my spiritual walk not my walk of what I want but what I need. 

To my readers, I urge you to think about your choices. It shall not be heavy.  If it is what truly needs to be, let it be and seek God for guidence in your choice.  I say this because I myself has to work on this.  I am truly am blessed to have a circle of support around me and my intentions are to never dishonor them and I know whatever my choice its going to be. It will be a difficult one not heavy either way.  I trust God will guide me through it all. Question: What are you holding heavy on your heart and is it truly that heavy? 

"The true test of walking in the spirit will not be the way we act but the way we react to the daily frustrations of life.-Beverly LaHaye



ONLY GOES UP FROM HERE

Dear readers,

I work over night.  When the morning comes, I get so sleepy but on Sundays I must go to church.  Some Sundays are harder to go to church after I worked all night, I do anyways because my God.  I have to hear the word. If I did not hear the word, I will be holding back from learning. 

This year has been a learning lesson for me.  I am really learning to let God be my core.  In this life of mine, things are going up.  My biggest dream is to be an arts administrator and run my dance company.  I am getting there. Recently, the world is just lining up for me.  I only can go up from here. 

It took a long while to really let it go to God.  When I did, WOW!  I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thoughts about people putting their trust in God.  Everything was going so bad for me, I was wondering: Where is this God that people talk about?  Well, when nothing was going right for me, I searched for the Lord.  I accepted him as my Lord and savior. I learned about him in church and my own reading.  I am still growing in the word. 

As I grow, my life is getting a lined.  It only goes up from here.

To meet the love of your life....

It will be a sad thing to meet the love of your life and never be with him.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have meant the love of my life and due to  circumstances people say don't be with him.  Now, these people are just not people.  They are my family and everything they say its true.  They are right about everything about the man I love.  He may never change. 

So, I had to ask myself: am I willing to take on everything beyond the love?  Beyond the love, we have fiances, direction of some kind of career, life, family issues he never got over not having a mother, a son, no credit, record, and many more. That's! his resume that I knew from the beginning.  Every reason, my family can't accept him. I completely see why too don't you?

But, I had the opportunity to meet the love my life.  I laughed more than ever and found someone deeply to understand the core of me. He supports me in all I do.  His a great father.  He has dreams bigger than himself.  He holds me so tight that I just know this world is not that brutal after all.  However, his not here and I wish everyone will stop reminding me to let him go.  Let me make that decision because all I can think of: "To meet the love of your life and you can not be with him.  That's the saddest love story."

Love stories are suppose to be fairytales and whose to say mine won't be.  Are fairytales only in the storybooks for kids?

a new beginning

It is the wee hours of the morning.  I have just worked all night and not even feeling sleepy.  I noticed how much I do miss him. When I am not busy running around dancing, studying, finding new ways of making money, working, I realize more in the quietness that I miss him. I must have been in love to keep thinking of a person months later after the relationship.  

Like I say all the time, it will be the saddest thing to have meant the love of your life and never be with that person.  Well, whose to say love is enough because so many things were so wrong.  So, I had to make that decision to let him go. Everyone around me, they co-signed on it to. They did not like him anyways.  Well, it is something to dance about.  

When I am in my most hurt moments, I dance the best.  It brings me clarity better than therapy.  Lord knows how much therapy that I have been to.  His probably laughing up there because I keep trying earthly things.He gave me the gift of dance to work out my emotions but I still keep trying earthly things. One day, I will learn how to give everything to you Lord. I promise.  

This week is hectic.  I am moving. I like to move because I feel like a new beginning has come.  It is about the 10th time that I have moved in 3 years maybe the last.  The thing about new beginnings you never get to build a future because your always starting over.  

As the year ends, it was a bad and good year.  I meant the love of my life. We not together now. I finished my second year of grad school. I have not finished my thesis yet.  I lost weight only because I was sad over my relationship.  But God, I got closer to him more than ever. I leaned on him that he had to pick me up. I got a job. I have a place to stay. I survived a new city.  I loved and maybe there is still hope. I danced. 

To my new beginning, this time: I will be building a future.

truth

I am living in my truth. If you go on facebook, you may view that I am living a fabulous lifestyle.  In all honest, I created my fabulousness.  I decided that I will start living in my truth. I still do not have much but my attitude has changed to look at everything in the positive.  It all started when I just made a conscious decision to live in my truth.

My truth is that I will follow my instincts.  For years, I thought God was talking to everyone but me.  Then, I realize that he was talking to me.  Those little gut feelings that come across once in awhile.  That is God talking to me, WOW! It took me 26 years to figure that out.  God has talked to me all along. He talked to me when the idea came about to start MufukaWorks Dance Company. Yes! He gave me that idea. My company is registered now as you know. He gave me that idea but I still decided to run it my way and not his.  Yea! it did not work out so I listen to him now. Wow! His running it so much better than I. I have a great student base now and each day its growing.  I am happy. 

I got introduce to the love of my life and just as fast as our relationship began. It ended. Now, I follow God ways and I pray he works out the kinks. I know that I do not deserve it because I did not remain still.  However, it will be a shame to meet the love of my life and never be with that person.  But hey, people say God has something else in store for me.  But, do people feel this burning instinct inside of me? The day that I realized these instincts was God talking to me. Wow! it took me 26 years to figure that out.

I have a job and I like it. It pays the bills. Getting my masters, I will graduate soon.

Oh wow! blog its been a long time since we talked. I miss you. All this long time, I learned to follow my instincts.  Truth

I say: "I do"

I remember when it was a not so cold night.  However, it was  December so late around 2am and just turned into the next day.  Tears were rolling down his face.  He collapsed onto my legs on one knee.  I remember thinking: is this it?  The moment girls dream about their entire life and its happening to me.  I must admit that I never dreamed of this moment of  engagement but it happen to me. A man asked me to spend their entire life with me.  I said: "I do"

I meant it with my entire heart.  For the longest time, my greatest "I do" moment that I dreamed about was my dance career.  I always dreamed about dancing on a big stage and the whole world watching me dance expressing my true self. However, this moment, I lost myself in his eyes and I wanted him.  I told myself the rest of my life that I follow alongside with him.  I said: "I do"

Just like the wind blows into another season, my life did the same.  In one moment, the date May 27, 2012.  My life blew into another season.  In one moment, I felt half of me just ripped out.  Yes, my relationship felt that connected and his soul was ripped out of me.  As soon as it happened, I was questioned from others about my love for him. I was expected to let him go in a instance.  But, they do not understand. I said: "I do"

The reason why his soul was ripped out of me because he had his past catch up to him.  You see he had a kept secret so deep from me and others.  His secret was revealed in full affect.  His secret that kept him from me. It kept him away for me for good this time. I final found out the THING that held over his head and it was his secret.  Even if his secret has kept him away for me. I am happy that he finally is facing his responsibility in the rarest form. I said: "I do"

In the meantime, I go through many emotions of confusion, hurt, fear, doubt, happiness, and just pure left in darkness.  So, you want to know how it feels for your other half to be ripped out of you unexpectedly? It sucks but there's God.  So, do not feel sorry for me, hoping you could fix it.  Let me go through the life experiences.    

God has lifted me up like always. He has forced me to look at my reflection and ask myself what I really want.  In honesty, I just want peace so I could move forward. I realize that I could not be any one's happiness especially someone who holds secrets.  So, I may not ever get the answers of why the love of my life did what he did. i am not angry.  I love him so much not to be. However, I do know one thing. I said: "I do"

I say: "I do" to my lord and savior to guide me through this difficult time because I know his trying to show me something better. It hurt me what I went through with my love.  Guess what?  I am still standing and I am living still to the fullest.  One thing, I have learned that life moves forward.  I am able to do that with God.  God has shown me time and time again his healing so I am listening.  I do not know where I am going in life but I do know this.  His showing me how to get to my peace."

I say: "I do" 

i can not care about judgment

I never thought that I cared about judgment from others. However, I have been going through so much in my personal life and everyone has their judgment. I really appreciate their judgment because these people really care about me.  I am so blessed to have them in my life especially the man that brought me into this world.  If I had to choose, I will only listen to his judgment but he does not judge. He gives me guidance.  At this moment in my life, I need to his sound voice and he gives me that.  As for the others that judge, I do not care because I have to pray and follow the direction God has in store for me.

I have gone through a world of issues and I am learning how to be more private with God about them.  All in all, I am looking for his way.  It’s the only way, I can have my happiness.

i do not care about judgement from others

I never thought that I cared about judgment from others. However, I have been going through so much in my personal life and everyone has their judgment. I really appreciate their judgment because these people really care about me.  I am so blessed to have them in my life especially the man that brought me into this world.  If I had to choose, I will only listen to his judgment but he does not judge. He gives me guidance.  At this moment in my life, I need to his sound voice and he gives me that.  As for the others that judge, I do not care because I have to pray and follow the direction God has in store for me.

I have gone through a world of issues and I am learning how to be more private with God about them.  All in all, I am looking for his way.  It’s the only way, I can have my happiness.

A NOVEL GOOD HAIR

I am starting to read again and I am ever so happy.  The last book that I completed was entitled, A Novel Good Hair by Benilde Little. It was an exact parallel of what a black woman goes through today.  I learned from this book from the narrator's Aunt Thelma "life is never presented in a nice, neat package, and if it is, be wary." 

Now, the term "Good Hair" means a lot in the Black community especially being a natural black woman.  Many of my peers whom are in my black community, they will question this term and ask according to whom on Good Hair.  The book addresses this in a very unique way.  This is a must read. 

So, I learned a lot from this book and the main lesson resonates with me now.  My life is not a nice package.  I have been going through a lot of ups and downs this year.  I am 26 years old, full time job, graduate school, and running my small business. In the mix of this, the Lord found time to place the love of my life in my life right now.  Now, I am engaged. 

I could not be more than happy.  However, I am engaged and its more than love. This is what I have learned, it takes communication and I am learning how.  It takes compromise and I am learning how.  It takes your full being. 

In the mix of all that, I know that I could not live without him.  So, I am making these changes in my life and just like he accepts all of me. I accept him.  Life moves on. 

My life moves on when I did not know how to pay rent the next month.  However, It ended up happening.  My life moves on when I moved to a new city with no money. My life moves on when I had to start my company from bottom up again.  My life moves on when I had to read all night because my homework was due the next day. It looks like Aunt Thelma knew what she was talking about.  Life is not a nice package.  It is about how are you going to move through all the obstacles in life. 

Your friend in life...

I danced today

Today I started dancing again. I have not taking a dance class, taught dance, or performed since September.  Well I started taking dance classes again.  I always keep dancing in my head and heart because it never leaves.  I must say that I was black sliding in my dancing. I know that to keep present in dance. You must dance.  Today class was ok but I wanted more.  I wanted more creativity and I wanted more depth. I wanted more of me.  Those were the thoughts that ran through my head. As the teacher was teaching, the teacher was saying, "dance for something"

Instantly, the thought had come to my head. No matter what the dance teacher, space, or situation, I still have control to be present in me and be more creativity and depth.  Suddenly, I was dancing like me in the dance class given.  Today was a start in walking back in my destiny.

TIME

We wait on time to go pass like a thick mist.  A thick mist that seep through the both of us.  As we wait on time, we think about what was between us needs to rekindle.  Out of respect for each other's then LOVE, we remain civil between each other.  We still wait on TIME, the time that we rushed.  The rushed TIME that got us to this point creating a thick mist between us.

I cry away from you so the tears can run slowly down my face.  I hate the thick mist between us because I want to give you the world.  However, I can not so I hold resentment towards you because your best was not enough. 

We wait on time because we know that we have to split.  We split to preserve the LOVE, the Love is still there and must be preserved. 

So we wait on time to split us beacause the courage is not there so we could still be together in the future.  I look at you frequently wondering...do you hold resentment towards me too; do you still love me deeply like I love you; do you know that I love you.

"TIME SEEPS THROUGH LIKE A SERPENT. WILL YOU ALLOW IT TO BITE YOU OR WILL YOU CAPTURE IT."

COUNT IT ALL JOY WHEN YOU FAIL

For the past years, I have gone through some hard times.  It seems that I am always struggling finding inner peace.  Nevertheless, I never really got to the core why I struggle with finding inner peace. 

Well this time, I really looked at myself from the outside and asked myself seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON ELSIE?

Here is my self evaluation:

1) I complain way too much.  Yes! I have hard times but I am still living and standing.

2) I believe that I deserve better. I have worked hard all my life.  I am not in the place that I want to be.  I actually learned from my job as a guest service agent about selfless service-doing something for people and not expecting anything.  This is a valuable lesson that I shall instill in my personal life.  Yes! I work hard but my day will come.

3) I have strong beliefs but willing to put a curve ball in my  beliefs for others happiness.  This compromises my happiness.

Today, I went to church.  I was late but I was there.  I sat in the overflow room.  The pastor preached on count it all JOY when you fail.  I have failed in finding my inner peace.  I have been having, cake and eating it to. I recognize the tearing up of my life.  At 25 years old, I am still learning.  I know now to surround myself with people whom can hold me accountable for my actions.  I will go to church more and do more reflecting.

I love the Lord and excited to tell people about him.  At this moment in life, I am getting strengthen by him so I can strengthen others.

My changes:
1) STOP COMPLAINING
2) STANDING FIRM IN MY BELIEFS
3) ENJOYING LIFE

TODAY IN MY LIFE

I work at a hotel and it is the perfect time to reflect.  As the guest come through, they all tell me their stories and how their day was today.  As they tell me their stories, I begin to reflect on my life.  Originally, I came working for the hotel just to get money but it really has changed my life.  I listen to people, hear all their problems, serve the best customer service, and of course I get some bad seeds sometimes. However, people are people so you can not please everyone but I always seem to turn it around some way.  So, today in my life I reflect. 

I think about the people in my life.  Some people in my life really drain alot out of me but I always had people like that in my life.  I made a decision to say "NO." I thought by saying no will hurt feelings but saying no actually makes them stronger. 


TODAY IN MY LIFE.


I understood more that God gots this and I do not need to try to do his work.  I had a long day today.  My family is very upset with my decisions.  I understand why they are mad and they put me into thinking about the decisions that I made.  I hope that they will understand. In order for me to grow, I have to start making decisions and they can not just yell at me.  They just need to tell their perspective.  Well, I heard their perspective and I actually agree with them. 


TODAY IN MY LIFE


I realize that I am an adult now.  Having fun can wait for now, I have responsibilities.


TODAY IN MY LIFE


I enjoyed the small moments of going to the Harvey B. Gantt Museum and just enjoying recapping on history.


TODAY IN MY LIFE


I realize in order for me to have peace with anyone.  I must have peace within myself.


TODAY IN MY LIFE


I realize that I do have power within me to really succeed.

I SAID TIME OUT TODAY

Most of you know that I am always on facebook or blogging, I know your also wondering where I have been? Well, I have been living life and rushed it so so much. I have asked for a time out to just be with God and talk. 

Once again, I rushed life and put myself in a situation that I'm unable to justify anymore. All of this was just a harsh reality to me but not a surprise.  So, I start from the beginning.  I moved away from my hometown to chase a better life.  I am in graduate school. I work. I dance sometimes. I have a lovely person in my life.

Every since I moved to this place chasing a better life, I have been running since I got here. Back in forward so fast, I forgot the originally purpose that I moved here.  You see I have really spend the past three years on my personal growth.  Seeing if everything I do is lined up to God's glory. 

I SAID TIME OUT TODAY

I really had got far far far away from my beliefs.  You see I have been chasing a better life so fast. I forgot to stop and breath to enjoy each moment and really ask myself: Am I ok with this life?

I SAID TIME OUT TODAY

I give it to you Lord. I know that I have not been living to glorify you. I have not put you in the center of my life.  I repent lord for all my mistakes made by leading with my flesh.  In my head I justify everything knowing that I was just not living right. I have many people whom look to me asking about you. I know your real in my heart however I let my flesh take over. I know now that you have a plan for me. I should not try to plan it for you. 

TIME OUT

I answer to only you.